The Love Song I Never Made
I always used to put an eccentric twist on the lyrics of every so-called love song I pretended to write.
The straight-forward story of two people discovering a mutual interest in one another, then pursuing that interest through a series of conversations and tactical maneuvers never seemed remarkable enough for me to recount it through song.
I masked sexuality in metaphor, obscure innuendo and plausible deniability. Sexuality didn't exists in the light. The words of the songs that I pretended to write could mean any number of things.
I was trying to hide. And hiding never makes for good art. You can never fully connect with an someone through a veil.
Some writers and artists suffer because they lack the life experience to really make something that is powerful and moving. I didn't have that problem.
When I was pretending to write about love and sex I was immersed in a world of sensuality and lust and infatuation. All of the stuff that makes for your perfect modern sex ballad.
I would not have to rely on my vivid imagination or my deepest fantasies to pull together the imagery for my songs. I was living the life. I could have simply made a song about what happened the night before and it would have worked.
I couldn't do that. I didn't want to go on record as being the type of guy who would be doing the things that I was doing then. I could be the "poet" and hint at the act and experience of sex and tie to "universal energy"... or some other bullshit
I was hung up. Maybe I still am.
How hard is it to simply speak your truth through your work? To not be so full of shit all the time? To just tell her that you are just trying to fuck if that is, in fact, the case?
The "hang-up" plays out in creative work when we engage in approval seeking rather than allowing the work to become what it is trying to become. It is okay (and sometimes necessary) to make stuff to spec. You gotta eat.
But you also have to make stuff for self, for the sake of your truth, for the sake of your growth. Whatever you do...don't let lies creep into the work you do for you!
The way I experience love is too real to sing about. I had to try; the words didn't matter. I could have been saying anything. As long as I was allowing myself to feel the experiences authentically, the people could feel me.
Since I fancy myself a writer, I put lot of weight on the value of my words. But when it comes to expressing stuff like love, the best any of us can do is to pretend.